What eats me alive
The hardest part for me of being unemployed is the creeping feelings of self doubt that haunt the corners of my mind.
The feelings and thoughts are always there. Contantly wondering whether the decisions I have made will lead me to where I want or to under a bridge. Over this past month or so i have had to make a lot of really tough decisions very quickly and god damn do i have these thoughts in my head.
Today I sent an email to Flatiron to let them know that I would no longer be enrolling in their program. When I got an email back from my admissions counselor, for some reason it really made me freak out. It could be the fact that Michelle started her course with Ironhack today (btw wtf is up with these coding bootcamps loving the word iron?). I am seeing the fun she is having as well as what she is learning. These are both things I have been focusing on heavily with the work on TryHackMe and TCM (updates to come later today on my coursework). But the thing that i didn’t think i would care about is the classroom environment. I see that she has a slack group and already working on projects with other students from all over.
I know how important networking is especially in a smaller field, I worry that now that I am not taking a coding bootcamp like flatiron that i will miss out on learning with all students from all over. I know i can handle the learning and the material i just am getting FOMO on the classroom experience.
And boy once the feelings of self doubt start coming they don’t stop coming!
Did I make the right decision to turn down my old job when they offered it to me when a coworker decided to leave? This one really just sits and eats at me. Here i was living comfortably, enjoying my job (however getting very little fulfillment from it) when i found out my role was getting reduced. To be honest I thought I was going to be kept on. I volunteer for and led multiple projects that were high visibility. These projects were all successes. Whenever someone from my teams didn’t know something they would turn to me. I mean even after I had left they were still calling me. It just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I know there is more than likely a different more business decision, but thats the problem with self doubt. I just have that little voice in my head whispering that it was my fault.
Kinda sucky and boy does it make me more nervous to continue down this road.